I just had a text conversation with one of my good friends about a phone call I took tonight. It was from a person I thought was a good friend of mine, but realized recently that my view of the friendship was much deeper than what they felt toward me. Ouch. Yeah, that one stung a tad.
This phone call tonight elated me. Yes, I got hurt by this person. Yes, I vowed to never fall victim to manipulation again. But they CALLED.ME. After all, I miss this person in my life.
Almost as soon as they called, my brain started it’s own conversation. It went something like this:
Brain: I can’t believe you are falling for this again.
Me: (Whining) Whhhhhaaaaaaatttttt? I miss them.
Brain: They’re pimping you for information.
Me: …………..I don’t care. Shut up.
After the call, I felt a little happy and a little pathetic. I am a strong woman, ask some of my good friends – I can be fierce. But I’m also a normal person and WANT to be liked. I mean, who doesn’t?
I want the cool kids to like me. I want to sit with the popular folks at lunch and get invited to parties with the Richies (shout out to any other “Pretty in Pink” maniacs). I WANT to be wanted.
Yes, I’m a 45 year old woman and not a 17 year old girl.
I’m also an idiot.
Sometimes in our want of recognition and validation, we lose sight of our standards. We give up those things like honesty, like dignity, like sanity even.
Would I let a good friend of mine keep getting used by a turkey in their lives without saying something? Probably not. But guess what-I do allow myself to get taken in and bent like a “spineless jelly” on occasion.
I’m a sucker for manipulation by others sometimes. Maybe you are, too. Maybe I want to be in the club for just a minute rather than the outsider behind the velvet ropes. Maybe I wanted to break out of that damned box I am usually pushed in (especially with work relationships).
Tonight I traded my brain for my heart, and in life, this is the choice you make. It doesn’t mean that there are no consequences. For me, it’ll be timing how long some of the information I shared with this person takes to get back to me (usually in a mangled tale that in no way resembles my actual conversation). I’ll also realize that this rush of “friendship” I am feeling right now is like my tan, fake. But lets not squash this feeling *too* soon, ok?
That’s the hard part.
But just like Sally Field said whilst accepting her Oscar, I may say “you like me” but my brain really does know the difference between manipulators and true friends. I may just need to listen to it a bit better next time.